I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
