yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
