Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
