he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
