I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
