My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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