You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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