In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You left your underwear on the fireplace
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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