shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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