he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
