He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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