I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
