Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
