you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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