I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
