I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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