Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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