im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
