I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
