I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
