he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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