No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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