I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Randomize
