yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
