do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
