Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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