I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
