my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
