What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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