I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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