My sheets look like a crime scene.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
