I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
