My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
