whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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