He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
me + whiskey = a bad person
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
