I have demons in me.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Randomize
