My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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