Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
