I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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