The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
