Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
this will be a night to untag.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
