things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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