oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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