Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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