Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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