Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
