i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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