Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm at about main and main street
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
