If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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