I think i sorta joined a cult last night
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
