I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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